


smoke in the air (it's hard when you're broken)

by sunshineinthestorm



Series: gansey's death, and what came after [2]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Canon Compliant, Family Feels, Friendship, Gen, Missing Scene, TRK spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-21
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-06-09 21:05:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6923326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshineinthestorm/pseuds/sunshineinthestorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i> Gansey closed his eyes and swayed slightly. "I'm s—" he started again, and in that instant, Blue realized that Gansey was just planning to stand there and take their scolding, adding their disappointment to the mountain of pain piled onto his shoulders without a word of protest. He was never going to tell them the truth, in case it hurt them as much as it hurt him. She didn't understand it, but that was Gansey. She didn't know what she could do except close her eyes too and let the guilt sweep through her. </i><br/>—<br/>Blue and her raven boys meet with Gansey's family after missing his mother's fundraiser.</p>
            </blockquote>





	smoke in the air (it's hard when you're broken)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Beautiful Lies" by Birdy.

Blue called 300 Fox Way as soon as they piled into Ronan's BMW — all except for Henry Cheng, who took one look at all of them and told them (with a shaky voice trying for a joke and slipping) that they could have today, and he'd become best friends with all of them tomorrow. They tried to protest, but Blue couldn't help feeling grateful that he left in his own car. She was starting to really like Henry, and she could see him one day becoming another raven boy that she was just a little in love with, but this was their ache. Henry had never even seen Cabeswater. He didn't know just how long Blue had feared Gansey's death. He couldn't fully understand what they were mourning.

Blue's mom understood. The voice on the other end of Ronan's phone was concerned and fearful, murmuring decades of comfort into a single word. " _Blue_."

It was too much. Blue broke down with the tears that hadn't come when Gansey had actually been dead. Next to her, Gansey pressed deliberately against her thigh and cupped her knee with his hand, shouting _I'm here I'm here I'm here_ with the pressure of his fingers. Blue nodded at him and swallowed hard before the women of 300 Fox Way could dissolve into total panic.

"He's okay," she choked out, and she could hear the entire house sigh in relief on the other end of the line. "I — I kissed him, and… but he's okay now. And the demon is gone."

She could hear Maura's smile in the way she shaped her vowels. "Oh, Blue. You're going to have life after, and now you're even going to be able to enjoy it."

Blue did her best to laugh. "Yeah." She closed her eyes to focus on Gansey, alive and real and touching her. "Um… I don't really want to talk over the phone. I just wanted to let you know the important stuff. I… I'll see you soon."

"Absolutely. We love you, Blue."

The line went silent — which was what Blue wanted, but it still tugged at her insides. Gansey's fingers tightened almost imperceptibly against her skin. "We can go to your house first, Jane," he said softly. "I'm sure you want to see your family."

Blue's eyes flicked to the phone in Gansey's lap, which was still vibrating every few minutes with fresh accusatory messages, messages that Gansey hadn't answered because he didn't know how. "We're going to where your parents and sister are staying first," she insisted, tangling her fingers in Gansey's so he wouldn't try to argue with her. "My mom knows what matters. The rest can wait."

"But—"

"Jesus Christ, Gansey, let her have this one," Ronan said loudly from the driver's seat. Blue suspected that the volume was meant to keep his voice from cracking, although she knew she would never ask him about it. "Maggot is right."

Gansey almost smiled. "Never thought I'd hear you two agree on something."

There were a few seconds of silence, and then Ronan swerved into a rest area with no warning and parked the car. "Fuck it," he said. "Parrish, you drive. I'm tired of being up here." _Up here by myself_ , Blue knew he meant, since the passenger seat (usually a seat of contention and conflict) was remarkably empty. On any other day, it would have been unusual, but today, it was just that no one really wanted to stop touching Gansey, in case he vanished. Ronan had been driving for over an hour with only common sense to remind him that Gansey was alive, and common sense wasn't worth a thing in Henrietta anymore. Blue felt a sharp stab of guilt in her chest.

"I can drive," she offered, even though the idea of letting go of Gansey's hand made her heart hurt. "You don't have to move, Adam."

"Like hell he doesn't," Ronan said roughly. "We want to get back in town sometime today, Sargent."

Adam gave her a tight smile and pulled Gansey into a sudden, unexpected hug before clambering out of the BMW. He met Ronan right in front of the windshield. All they did was brush fingertips for an instant, but when Adam sat behind the wheel, and Ronan settled next to Gansey without saying  a word, both of them looked a little more grounded.

Seeing them comfortable together loosened the knot in Blue's chest for the first time. It almost made her feel okay as all of them hurtled towards the source of the anxiety that Gansey was doing his best to conceal.

* * *

"Where have you been, Dick?"

Gansey's mom asked the question with only the slightest hint of disappointment in her voice, and to Blue, it was worse than the unfettered anger Calla had confronted her with when she'd gone off to Jesse Dittley's house. At least Blue always knew exactly how her family felt when they spoke to her — they didn't disguise their anger any more than they disguised their happiness. She thought it must be exhausting, living in a family that tiptoed around real emotions and genuine conversations. The smiling Richard Campbell Gansey III mask that Gansey so often displayed made a little more sense to her now.

Right now, though, he was a coil of tension next to Blue. "I'm sorry for missing the fundraiser," he said softly.

"It's not just the fundraiser," Helen answered, glaring at him. Blue saw that she wasn't like the Gansey parents — she wasn't afraid to use real anger when she felt it. "You've been gone for an entire _day_ , Gansey. Why didn't you answer your phone? I know you're obsessed with finding your Welsh king, but I thought we mattered to you too — at least a little."

Gansey closed his eyes and swayed slightly. "I'm s—" he started again, and in that instant, Blue realized that Gansey was planning to stand there and take their scolding, adding their disappointment to the mountain of pain piled onto his shoulders without a word of protest. He was never going to tell them the truth, in case it hurt them as much as it hurt him. She didn't understand it, but that was Gansey. She didn't know what she could do except close her eyes too and let the guilt sweep through her.

Then Ronan Lynch stepped in front of Gansey before he could finish apologizing. "Gansey went out on a hunch last night, looking for Glendower," Ronan announced. "The hunch took him up into the mountains, but he wasn't that far away. He wasn't planning on missing your fundraiser. But his piece of shit car broke down just as his phone died, getting him stuck in the middle of nowhere, and none of us knew it until this morning. We didn't find him until a few hours ago, and then while Adam was trying to fix the Pig and I was in the woods looking for cell phone reception, these fucking thugs showed up and pretended to offer their help before robbing them instead. Might have fucking killed everyone if I hadn't come back in time. I scared them off." Ronan showed off a dangerous grin that seemed at odds with the worry that he didn't bother to hide as his eyes slid to Gansey. "Anyway, we finally got the Pig up and running again, but it broke down again just outside town and we decided we just had to fucking leave it and come here in my car instead before you sent out a police caravan or something."

By the time he was finished, Gansey was staring at Ronan with wide eyes and parted lips. Actually, Blue was pretty sure they were all gaping at Ronan. His story was the perfect lie, full of just enough details and Ronan-esque swears to reek of truth, accounting for any questions that might have arisen about the blood on Blue's face and the scratches on Adam's, and immediately activating Gansey's parents' sympathies.

Blue couldn't believe _Ronan_ , of all people, had lied for Gansey. Except maybe she could. When it came to Gansey, Ronan had already given up things like dreams and nights of sleep and magical forests. They all had. That was the magic that Gansey had. Compared to all of that, it shouldn't have surprised her that Ronan would give up his honesty for Gansey too.

Before she could think about that any further, Gansey's mom stumbled forward and grasped Gansey's shoulders, looking at him with fear untainted by doubt. Improbable as the explanation was, there was no reason to doubt a story told by a boy whose only widely-known virtue was his refusal to lie. "Why didn't you just tell us, Dick?" she asked, furrowing her perfect campaign eyebrows. "Why would you let us be angry with you for something that wasn't your fault?"

"I didn't want to worry you," Gansey said, and it still hurt Blue, seeing how much his aura of confidence had crumbled over the last day, knowing it was her fault.

"You should let us worry. You could have been seriously hurt!" Mrs. Gansey leaned away from Gansey to inspect Henry's smudged Aglionby sweater and Gansey's stained shirtsleeves. " _Are_ you hurt?"

"No," Gansey whispered, and Blue knew that Mrs. Gansey knew that it was a lie. He didn't have blood covering him like Blue and Adam, but all of Gansey's previous experience in crafting façades had failed him today. Without it, the hollow ache in his eyes and the pallor of his skin was impossible to hide. Blue couldn't believe that his parents hadn't picked up on it the second that they'd opened the door and seen Gansey on the front stoop, but she supposed that anger had a way of clouding most people's observational skills.

Richard Campbell Gansey II cleared his throat. "Dick, you know that we've always encouraged you to pursue your interests. But if searching for Glendower is going to get you stranded in the mountains and attacked by robbers, then… it might not be the best interest for you to pursue."

At the mention of _Glendower_ , Gansey let out a shuddering breath and glanced at Ronan, Adam, and Blue for strength. Ronan and Adam nodded. Blue closed her fingers around his. Gansey was still looking at their hands when he said, "Don't worry. I've decided that it's time to stop chasing Glendower. Some things are better left to rest."

He didn't tell them that he'd already found Glendower, and Blue thought she knew why. _Some things are better left to rest._ There was no point in proclaiming the discovery of a magical tomb that had lost all its magic. It wasn't a victory. It was reality, a reality that they had no interest in exposing to a world better left in ignorance.

Helen looked sharply at Gansey when he spoke, and then her eyes softened.

Until now, Blue had forgotten that Gansey's family loved him too. It was easy to forget that when they all skirted around genuine emotions with the practice of seasoned politicians. But when Helen walked forward and wrapped her arms around Gansey, letting him shake apart against her shoulder, Blue remembered again. It made her want to cry again, the relief that there were other people in the world who loved Gansey too. She had a feeling he was going to need them all.

"I'm sorry, Gansey," Helen said gently, ruffling Gansey's hair. "I know how much Glendower meant to you."

"It's okay," Gansey said, even though it wasn't. He looked at his parents carefully. "Would you mind… Is it all right if I go back to Monmouth? I miss home."

He winced, like he was worried he'd offended them, but his parents just nodded. "Of course, Dick," his mom said soothingly. "Do you want us to hire a tow truck to bring the Camaro to a garage?"

"Don't worry about it, ma'am." Adam had been following the entire exchange with a look on his face that Blue hadn't been able to read, but when he finally spoke, his voice didn't waver. "I'll take care of the Pig."

Mrs. Gansey smiled somewhat helplessly. "That's very kind of you, Adam." She looked at Gansey, who had disentangled himself from Helen and now wouldn't quite look at anyone. "Let us know if you need anything at all, dear," she said with the air of someone who wasn't used to being helpless. "We'll call to check in later."

Gansey gave her a smile that was beautiful in its fraudulence. "Thank you, Mom." Then, abruptly, he turned and left. With one last hesitant look at Gansey's family, Blue and the rest of her raven boys followed him.

In the car, Gansey threw himself forcefully into the passenger seat and turned to look at Ronan as soon as he slid in. "Why would you do that?" he demanded. "I didn't want you to lie for me."

"Come on, man," Ronan said with purposeful carelessness. "You can't tell me that you aren't glad I did."

Gansey flexed his fingers against his lap. "You've already given up too many things for me. You shouldn't have given that up too."

Ronan looked hard at Gansey and shook his head before shoving his keys into the ignition and leaning back against the headrest. "It wasn't really a lie," he said finally. "You went after Glendower. We didn't find you until much later. Your phone died. The Pig broke down just outside town. And you can't think about what happened today and tell me that we weren't robbed of fucking _everything_." He turned the keys and yanked the BMW into gear with more force than was strictly necessary. "I just talked about the magic stuff with non-magic words."

It was a stretch — they all knew it, but none of them called Ronan out on it, so he pulled out of the driveway with only the sound of squealing tires to punctuate the silence. It wasn't until he drove into the parking lot of Monmouth Manufacturing that he turned back to Gansey and said, "Besides. Staying silent would have been a lie too."

Gansey didn't say anything. But he pulled Ronan into a hug over the center console and cried, and they all knew that he was grateful.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr if you want to come freak out about trc with me: [@monmouthandmint](http://monmouthandmint.tumblr.com)


End file.
